


two, five, one

by heathermcnamara



Series: darling, so it goes [2]
Category: Call the Midwife
Genre: F/F, anyway @ the bbc PLEASE DELIVER !!!, bisexual trixie franklin, its one am i want death, listen thats a tag im SURE of it, thank u @ beth tumblr user beatrixfranklins for giving me a hand w ideas !!, the description is so vague i am so sorry ?, there's some super vaguely implied jenny/trixie here but only two ppl in the world care abt this, wow um??? this was meant to b a rly short thing n ended up longer than expected
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 17:21:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9833471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heathermcnamara/pseuds/heathermcnamara
Summary: after trixie's date ends on, if not a disastrous note, a strange one, she ends up overthinking everything





	

Trixie was silent as she walked down the long hallway to her room, thanking whatever might have caused things to align so that Valerie would be on call when she went on her date (most likely Phyllis, who had written the call list that day), and therefore would not be able to ask any questions of her. She didn't have Valerie pegged as a gossip, but she knew she would at least be expected to make small talk about it, but for once she wouldn't know what to say.

 

She pushed open the door, ready to just curl up on her bed and go to sleep, not wanting to have to think about any of the thoughts she'd had earlier that evening- but tonight, that would not be the case. Barbara was perched on the edge of Trixie's bed, clearly having got back from her own date at some earlier point in time, she was already dressed in pyjamas. Trixie's heart sank. She'd specifically wanted to avoid Barbara, at least until she could figure out exactly what she should say about her date. But it was too late, the girl on her bed was already throwing a million questions at her and she would have to answer them or face even more questions.

 

Somehow, she managed to keep her replies to vague nods and shakes of her head before Barbara suddenly asked a question she hadn't quite expected. “Do you think he's... the right man, then?” Trixie was sitting down at this point, leaning against the headboard, eyes half shut, hoping that the non-committal shrugs of her most recent answers might just make Barbara think she was tired and get her to leave her alone. Reluctantly, she opened her eyes, looking over at her friend's slightly... hopeful (but why, Trixie wondered, would it be hopeful at all?) expression with … well she wasn't sure what expression her face was showing but judging by Barbara's concerned reaction, it wasn't the one that she had intended to show.

 

“Christopher is...” She began, not quite sure how to finish the sentence. “A perfectly charming man.” This, however, didn't seem to convince Barbara, who moved closer to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, her face growing more and more concerned by the minute. Trixie, normally a great lover of affection, wanted nothing more than for Barbara to let go of her, now wasn't the time, now really wasn't the time for this (although, she highly doubted that Barbara herself knew anything, as if she would). She turned to her, a slight smile on her face, not a forced one this time, but a real, honest one, “He is really lovely. I honestly think that he's quite possibly the nicest man that I have ever dated. But... can I be honest with you, sweetie? I just don't think that we work. Not work, but... work together? Although, we work together in the literal sense rather well, I mean we don't seem to have... well... I think that we could be great friends, Christopher and I but … that might be all that we are.” Trixie paused, relieved that Barbara was nodding but worried that she wasn't making any sense, “After all, I prefer you to Christopher and you should-”

 

Almost immediately, she began to regret what she had said, hoping against stupid, idiotic hope that Barbara wouldn't take what she had said seriously (had she meant it like that? She didn't think that she had and yet, somehow, part of her had, but if she was saying that Christopher was a friend then surely she could be saying that Barbara was merely a better friend) and if she was starting to then she needed to immediately diffuse this situation before things got out of hand. “I mean, obviously I... We... We are better friends! You and I are better friends than Christopher and I, we only met around a week ago and I've known you for... for...” She trailed off, desperately trying to recall the date that Barbara had arrived at Nonnatus House. She remembered the actual day well enough, how she had shown Barbara around on her bicycle, there not yet being one spare for her to ride, how she had shown her all the streets in Poplar and the best places to get fish and chips from and all the shortcuts to streets that would surely save her time on her way to a delivery. Yet, she couldn't quite remember the date, it felt as though Barbara had been there forever. She had arrived just after Jenny had left...

 

“Two years and five months.” Barbara supplied, before frowning and looking away. “And a week. Not that I counted I just... mathematics was my best subject in school.” Trixie couldn't help but burst out laughing, almost hysterically so, at that. Half with relief and half because Trixie herself could barely remember what year she had begun work at Nonnatus House let alone the exact date. Barbara, after a minute or so of red faced protesting about how mathematics was an interesting subject, joined in with the laughter, seeing the funny side.

 

Their laughter had only just stopped when Trixie, who was now sitting opposite Barbara, leaning back on her hands suddenly went silent. Noticing this, Barbara also stopped laughing, sitting up properly and meeting Trixie's unusually intense gaze. Trixie coughed, sitting up herself, trying to think of how best to phrase what she wanted to say (and whether it was worth the risk of saying it at all).

 

“Babs, can I ask you something?” She spoke quietly, rather unusually for her, twisting her hands together and not making eye contact with the other girl, pretending to be interested in the simple pattern of the duvet cover instead. Barbara nodded, immediately worried, ready to assume the worst, as always. She leaned forward, ready to comfort her friend if she needed to, ready to be there for her, half expecting her to drop some terrible news or to talk about some awful thing she had seen on her rounds or at a delivery. Barbara gently placed a hand over one of Trixie's, causing the other girl to nearly jump out of her skin and stare at her, an odd reaction for a casual friendly gesture.

 

Trixie couldn't do it. She just couldn't say something like this to Barbara, sweet, friendly, one hundred percent engaged to Tom Hereward, of all people, Barbara. Her best friend, Barbara, someone she loved, someone she might love more than she claims to, someone she might even be actually, genuinely in love with, Barbara. She loved Barbara. Shaking her head, she gestured to the bedside table, hoping her trembling fingers wouldn't give her away, and smiled. “Do you want a cigarette?”

 

Barbara frowned, knowing that wasn't what Trixie had meant, knowing that she wouldn't look so serious over so trivial a matter as a cigarette. Still, she hoped that maybe after a smoke she might tell her, might feel more comfortable, so she opened the drawer and took the packet out. “I don't have a lighter with me though,” She tried to joke, but it fell flat, barely raising a smile from Trixie, who shook her head, clearly not having one with her either. She sighed, and put the packet of cigarettes back in the drawer. “Trix... whatever it is you need to tell me, it can't be that awful, surely? It's not going to be anything that changes my opinion of you, I promise.”

 

Trixie almost laughed at this, knowing fully and completely that if she told Barbara this, then she would definitely change her opinion of her. Still, there were other worries of hers that she could confess to Barbara without having to worry quite so much about the girl being disgusted by her. “Not... Not feeling like Christopher is the one... Do you think it sounds silly? I mean, I enjoyed our date and he's very attractive, incredibly so but... do you think that's reason enough to not go on another date with him?” She looked to her friend, half relieved that she was able to come up with something half believable at such short notice and half wanting to find a real answer to the question.

 

Barbara scrunched up her nose and shook her head emphatically. “I don't think you're being silly at all, Trix. I mean... you can still marry someone, for example, if you don't think they're the one, plenty of people do, I mean I might-” Barbara froze, looking entirely ready to get up and sprint out of the room or possibly jump out of the window, entirely shocked at how much she had just said without meaning to.

 

Trixie's heart, which had previously been beating far too fast for her liking, leapt to her throat and her eyes widened with genuine shock. Did Barbara not love Tom? Did Tom not love Barbara? They'd seemed so perfect together, far more perfect than Tom had ever seemed with herself, after all, he had said she wasn't the right person to be his wife, even if she had loved him more than anyone at the time. Now wasn't the time for her hopes, for her fears, for her dreams, however. Now was the time to help a friend. Barbara looked almost ready to burst into tears and Trixie immediately pulled her into a fierce hug, desperate to help her in whatever way she could. “Babs, sweetie, whatever is the matter with you and Tom?” She kept her voice quiet, half worried that Barbara would actually start crying if she raised it much above a whisper and half worried that a passing nun, or worse, a passing midwife would hear that something was the matter with Barbara and Tom's relationship.

 

Barbara, to her credit, didn't cry, or even sniff as she spoke. Her voice remained quiet and steady, but Trixie could almost hear the poor girl's heartbreak in the deep breaths she took in-between sentences. “He was just... quiet today. But that isn't the issue, not really. At first, when he started being quiet, I assumed it was a hard day at work or something of the sort. And of course, he had a funeral only a few days ago. But he's been quiet for ever so many dates now.” Trixie didn't let go of her, waiting for her to finish speaking, to tell her everything that was wrong. But Barbara didn't say anything more, so she had to prompt her, wanting to get to the bottom of this mess so that she could help in some way, any way at all.

 

“Quiet how?” Trixie asked, puzzled. Tom wasn't the most talkative person she knew, but she definitely wouldn't have classed him as quiet, especially not around Barbara. To her knowledge at least, Tom was always talking to Barbara, any excuse to see her or to be with her, he would use, any opportunity to talk to her, he would take. She did realise, with a pang of guilt that she hadn't seen Tom around as much, but she'd assumed that he was just busy with work, and after all, Trixie herself had a very busy job, so she had come to the conclusion that Tom saw Barbara when she wasn't around.

 

Barbara pulled away from the hug slightly, adjusting her position so that she was just leaning against Trixie, so that she didn't have to look at her as she spoke. “He doesn't want to talk to me. I mean, if I start a conversation, he'll reply but his answers are so short and he sounds so... So disinterested in anything that I have to say and I assumed that I was just boring but... He's kissed me properly once in the past month, Trix. Once. And he never even takes my hand any more, and if I hold his hand he's so quick to let go. He didn't even kiss me goodbye like he used to. I know that you two were... were engaged, but when we first became a couple it felt as though we were meant for each other. Everything felt right, it felt like we fit somehow, like we matched, like we were perfect.” Barbara laughed hollowly, a sound Trixie had never heard her make before, and continued, “Now it feels like we're an old married couple that can't stand each other, only the worst part is that we aren't even married yet.”

 

Trixie didn't know what to say, not even sure what to do in this moment other than just keep her arm around Barbara and let her rest her head on her shoulder. Should she tell her that everything was going to be okay, even if she couldn't promise that. After all, she'd made plenty of promises that she couldn't keep. Her life seemed to be full of them. Anything that she could think of to say sounded empty, empty and hollow, like the awful laugh of Barbara's after she admitted how bad things were between them, a laugh she never wanted, or expected to hear from Barbara, of all people. But she didn't need to speak. Barbara spoke first.

 

“Trix... Can I tell you something?” She asked, quietly, echoing, albeit unconsciously, Trixie's own words from earlier. She paused, waiting for Trixie's reaction, half not wanting to look, half desperate to turn around and assess her expression for any signs of disappointment or upset (after all, Barbara reasoned to herself, Trixie and Tom might have been more successful than she and Tom had been, they might have worked, they could have been perfect for each other, and although they had broken up long before she was involved with Tom, she wondered that if that had not been the case, that she was never with him, that Trixie and Tom would have gotten back together).

 

“You can tell me anything, sweetie, I promise.” Trixie reassured her, resting her head on top of Barbara's, not sure what else Barbara was going to tell her, her mind immediately leaping to the worst possible conclusions, all sorts of unreasonable things were jumping through her mind like awful pictures she wished she could erase, but knowing deep down that her mind would not be at ease until Barbara told her what was troubling her.

 

Barbara sighed, closing her eyes, really really not wanting to tell this to anyone because, what would people think of her? What would Tom think of her? What would Patsy and Delia and Phyllis think of her? What would Sister Julienne, Sister Winifred, even Sister Monica Joan think of her? What would the Turners think of her? Most importantly, what would Trixie think of her? She opened her eyes again, hoping that it wouldn't be as bad if she just said the words and let them out of her brain where they'd been swimming through her thoughts for weeks now, maybe saying this out loud would make it sound less terrible than it did in her own head. “You're going to think me awful for even thinking this, Trixie, let alone saying it, but I think that maybe... I'm starting to have second thoughts... about the wedding. My wedding.”

 

“You're having... what?” Trixie couldn't help herself, she blurted it out before she could think properly, before realising that Barbara didn't need questioning, she needed a hug and probably a mug of horlicks (or something stronger). She'd realised too late though, Barbara, already on the edge of tears when confessing this to Trixie, had finally broken, letting tears she'd tried her hardest not to shed for weeks now, fall. She buried her face in Trixie's shoulder, letting the other girl just hold her for what felt like an eternity but, as Valerie had still not returned from being on call, could only be around ten minutes.

 

When there were no more tears left in her, Barbara began to talk again, her voice far shakier than before. “I just... it doesn't feel right. I don't feel the same way that I used to feel about him and the worst part is that I think he doesn't feel the same way about me either! I don't know what to do, I can't imagine a life with him at all and that- that isn't even the only reason that I can't marry him, but there's so many reasons that I should marry him, that I can marry him, that I will marry him.”

 

Trixie shook her head, determined to fix this by now, determined that she was going to try her utmost to make Barbara happy again. “No. You don't have to marry him, I promise. If you don't love him, you don't have to marry him. I mean... look at what happened with Tom and I. We broke an engagement and nobody hated us for it. Nobody will hate you for it at all, sweetie, if that's what you're worried about. And if anyone says anything, they'll have me to answer to- and probably everyone else here too.” She tried to crack a joke at the end, wanting Barbara to smile a little, to tell her that the world wasn't ending, that everything would be okay, that it would all work out, but Trixie herself wasn't even smiling. She knew how badly she'd reacted after her engagement with Tom ended and she was worried the same thing would happen to Barbara, however irrational that worry might be.

 

Barbara moved away from Trixie suddenly, shifting down to almost the other end of the bed, sitting with her hands pressed underneath her knees, her shoulders tense and her face etched with worry again. “Trix... the other- the other reason I'm having second thoughts,” She said, slower than Trixie had ever heard her say anything before, “is that... there's someone else I love.”

 

Trixie sat up, staring at Barbara like she had just grown two extra heads, not believing what she was hearing. Barbara was in love with someone else? She would never have guessed it if her friend hadn't just said it to her, hadn't just heard it come out of her mouth with her own ears. “You... You love someone else.” Trixie repeated, not sure what to do with that information, was she supposed to figure out who it was or was she supposed to pretend that she had never said it? She guessed that the former one made more sense, maybe a solution could be reached from there. It almost physically hurt. She'd been able to deal with Barbara and Tom, almost, because they'd been together so long that she'd adjusted to it, she knew it was happening. It broke her heart a little more every day but she was still able to be excited for them. But to have such hope suddenly, and then to have it torn away from her just as suddenly, felt like a cruel blow. Maybe, she wondered, it was some sort of punishment. She didn't particularly believe in any religion, but these kind of irrational thoughts tended to plague her mind more than she liked to acknowledge. Still. She should at least find out who it was, who it was that Barbara really loved so that she could begin to let go.

 

“It's not... Christopher is it?” Trixie asked suddenly, staring at Barbara in a very strange way. Barbara shook her head and Trixie was almost relieved. That would have been very, very awkward for everyone involved. Trixie frowned, having realised something. “Babs, I don't know any other men that we both know- that are the right age of course. Unless, it's a patient?” At that question, Barbara shook her head, not looking up at Trixie at all, seemingly frozen to the spot, eyes fixated on the floor, unable to move.

 

Trixie, refusing to accept this for a real answer, moved over to sit down next to her, wanting to ask more questions but half worried that Barbara, much like a scared rabbit in the headlights when it finally realises the danger it is in, would sprint away to safety. “Just tell me who it is. I promise I won't tell anyone, not a soul in this world except you and I will know this.” Barbara, seemingly comforted a little by this, turned to her, face rather red, and nodded very, very slowly.

 

“I can describe who it is.” She offered quietly before awkwardly giving Trixie a half smile and continuing on, “You know them very well, actually. They're very kind, and good in a crisis. They're very good looking, I might- might go so far as to say the best looking person I know. They're always there, always have been there. I just, I didn't realise it before. Honestly, it.. it frightens me.” Trixie sat staring at her, still completely in the dark about what Barbara was trying to say, trying to think about who on earth she could mean with this incredibly vague description.

 

Suddenly, Barbara took Trixie's hand in hers and squeezed it lightly and Trixie was trying to will her heart to stop beating so bloody fast, Barbara just wanted reassurance, just wanted a friend that she could trust to tell her about the man that she was in love with and she was awful, awful, awful for even thinking of her that way. Her thoughts were interrupted by Barbara opening her mouth to speak and she immediately looked up from their hands to meet her eyes, ready for her to tell her who it was.

 

“It's you, Trix. It's always been you. I just didn't know it.” Trixie was staring at her, mouth hanging open, speechless for once in her life, scared to say anything, scared that she was dreaming, scared that she would blink and this would all go away and- she didn't even know how to process this, never in any way had she thought that Barbara might feel this way too, never thought that even if she did feel this way that it would be about her. She sat there, stunned into silence for at least a minute before Barbara began to break away immediately beginning to apologise, to jump up and tear her hand away, “I am so so sorry Trix, I don't- I don't know what came over me, of course you don't feel that way, I-”

 

She was interrupted by Trixie, who had been stunned into silence and was now shocked back out of silence, pulling her hand back and smiling wider than Barbara had ever seen her smile in the two years, five months and one week that she had been at Nonnatus House. Barbara sat back down, staring back at her, a smile of her own beginning to creep up on her face. “I never thought you- I never even imagined...” Trixie began, not sure how to put everything she wanted to say into words, not sure how to express it, not sure how much she should say now, “I- I didn't realise that you would feel the same... the same way. Honestly, I don't even know what I should say. Am I supposed to tell you...” She trailed off then, aware of how ridiculous she probably sounded, aware that she was probably throwing poor Barbara right in the deep end (after all, she had taken a good while to tell Tom she loved him, and this was a completely different matter, and potentially far more dangerous).

 

Barbara barely comprehended what Trixie was saying, what she had been trying to say, she was still trying to believe that she was even accepting what she had said, let alone that she was saying that she felt the same way. She had assumed, that if Trixie had ever found out about this, she would tell someone and that she would lose her job, lose her engagement, lost everything. But this was a scenario she hadn't even dared to consider, so ridiculously and incredibly lucky that she had brushed it aside as an impossibility immediately. She was too busy staring at her, unable to believe anything that was coming out of her mouth at all, to realise exactly what she was saying. She only caught the last few words of what Trixie had said, supposed to tell her what? She was too caught up in the situation, too giddy with happiness to be her usual responsible self and not push her. “Supposed to tell me what, Trix?”

 

Trixie froze, unsure if she should tell her something this deep and this meaningful. To be in love with someone was one thing, to love them was another. She loved Barbara, she knew that. She knew that Barbara loved her too (at the very least, as a friend, although she supposed, now she had admitted it was something more than that). But to say that she was in love with her was very important, was it something that should wait or should she say it now? Trixie looked over at Barbara's face, all lit up with hope and joy and she couldn't not say it, no matter how much her hands shook as she did so. “To... tell you that I'm in love with you. That I have been for... a very long time. Quite a while actually.”

 

She was expecting some sort of reaction from Barbara. After all, anyone would react to someone telling them that they were completely and totally in love with them. She rather hoped that it would be a positive reaction and was inclined to believe that it most likely would be, given what Barbara had just confessed to her (and it really hadn't sunk in at all when she had said it, but it most certainly was sinking in now). She wondered if Barbara was going to say that she loved her too, even though she had already said that indirectly by admitting she loved someone other than Tom, it would be nice to hear her say it for real, to her face, aimed at her, about her. Or maybe she would nod or squeeze her hand again or hug her or she would smile that brilliant smile of hers. Quite honestly, Trixie thought, not for the first time, she was in love with Barbara's smile at least as much as she was in love with Barbara herself. Whenever Barbara smiled at anything she had said, she felt like she had been given the sun, straight from the sky itself. She was so distracted, thinking about this, that she didn't account for the other reaction.

 

Barbara leaned closer to her, carefully brushing a loose strand of blonde hair behind her ear before gently pressing a kiss to her lips before pulling away, but not wanting to really let go at all. She was bright red, still right up close to Trixie, her hand still hovering by her ear, not sure what to do or what to say. There was only a slight pause before Trixie, after glancing at the door, kissed her this time, properly. It only lasted a few seconds before the pair heard footsteps outside and jumped apart, absolutely terrified that so soon after they'd finally, finally kissed that they would be torn apart- but the footsteps died down soon after, clearly someone just passing by either going out on call or returning. The pair looked at each other and immediately burst out laughing at the expression on both of their faces, although the laughter was more of the anxious kind than of the humorous kind.

 

They didn't talk for a while, just sitting in comfortable silence, Trixie resting her head on Barbara's shoulder, both of them feeling far lighter and happier than they had been earlier that day. Nobody would question it if they were to walk in, the two of them often sat very close to each other, and indeed, the others, both of them were naturally affectionate people. Things had changed between them, however, and neither of them were quite sure how to address it, or whether to address it at all. And of course, there was the issue of Barbara being engaged to Tom, and expected to marry him quite soon. But right now, that didn't matter, the two of them were in their own world, just content to sit there and think about everything, to process what they had said, to realise just how much things had changed, and how there was no going back from this now. Even if they ignored it, it would still have happened, neither of them were likely to forget it. Both girls had a million questions to ask the other, a million things to say that they wanted to know the answer to, but for now, all of that could wait. For now, it wasn't important for them to wonder about why and how and what was going to happen. It was enough for them to just be there.

 

Just as Barbara was about to leave, already having one hand on the door, Trixie turned to her. “Babs... you said you loved me. How long have you loved me for?” She was smiling, back to her confident self, the nerves from earlier completely faded. She knew the question was probably rather silly to ask, Barbara, much like herself, might not know the answer to that question, and in fact, it was probably rather rude to ask, but they'd both said a lot of things that night, maybe it wasn't too much to hope for that Barbara would say one more thing to her. She wasn't expecting (this really was turning out to be rather a night of unexpected events) Barbara's cheeks to turn pink and for her to stare at the floor for at least a good thirty seconds before making eye contact with her again and smiling, a small, shy smile before giving Trixie her answer.

 

“Two years, five months and one week.”

 

 

 


End file.
